Sometimes, in moments of solitude, I let myself daydream of love. Two fractured souls unifying to bear life’s tragedies. I feel caresses as gentle as the waves of the sea and as comforting as the glow of the morning sky. Then, reality taints the reverie: couples whose phones conceal the ashes of past passion and whose domestic life produced estrangement and contempt. What fiend is responsible for such dissonance between mind and matter?
In his book The Art of Loving, psychologist Eric Fromm attempted to inquire just that. He wrote:
“Love isn’t something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
Love’s Buds
As children, the world is an empty canvas, vacant of definitions and beliefs. We delight in a Buddhistic sense of emptiness, happiness, and tranquility. As we accumulate experiences, a framework of interpretation molds. Around love, this framework is aroused by Romanticism. We imagine falling in love with a charming stranger in an unexpected, mischievous encounter. He will take care of us and love us unconditionally. Finally, we will be complete. For over two-hundred years this image—as beautiful as it is—impairs our chances for a fulfilling, lasting relationship.
We believe that love is an intuitive endeavor: our feelings are our guide and judge; effort and logic are indications that something is wrong. Love became the sole territory of the heart, the one area where effort is a sign of fault rather than virtue.
Changing the Perspective Around Effort
If we trust our emotions, we assume they are aligned with what is best for us. But we can tell from experience that that is not the case: we eat junk food when we should diet, we go out with friends when we should study, and we scroll social media when we should sleep. Love is not overlooked by this psychological defect: we succumb to relationship laziness, we acclimate to our partner and take him for granted, and we fall in love with the wrong person. Luckily, we can change that.
Let’s take a common case, the psychological literature teaches us that we are attracted to the person who will love us as we expect—not to who will love us best. This explains why so many of us are stuck in cycles of drama and heartache with the same toxic type of individuals. Despairingly, we declare that “there are no good men/women out there,” when we would not be attracted to them in the first place. If we were to intervene and shed light on the roots that define our beliefs around relationships, we could amend towards better, healthier versions of love.
We are not fated for loneliness or disappointment. By changing our perspective around effort and love we can heal our past wounds and grows as individuals—creating the opportunity to have the kind of relationship we long for. Effort is not a sign of failing, but a sign of devotion, of true love.